No bun in the oven yet.

I am already 16 days late.
I am hoping that I am pregnant but
I know I am not. Simply because I don’t have any common signs except for being lightheaded and dizzy ocassionally.

I purposedly delayed doing the pregnancy test because I know that I’ll be disappointed with the results.
After the 7th day, I did the test.
It was negative, something that I have expected.
Day after day and my period still hasn’t come.
I started to hope that there is a bun in the oven.
In fact, I was secretly hoping.
I wanted the results to be positive that I tested myself twice in the morning.
And yet it wasn’t surprising that both results came out negative.
I was disappointed. I was down.
I wanted the results to be positive but I just knew that it’s going to be negative.
I took my time to accept the results that even when my husband asked about it, I refused to tell him. I was in denial.
It felt like it’s something that he wanted to an extend that I felt like I’ve disappoint him if it turned out positive.

I am now feeling the pressure.
I cannot hide the fact that I want to be a mother and having children that I can call mine.
I know he wants children too but currently it seems too soon to have one.

I was bad at hiding my feelings.
I became grumpy.
I became emotional that I snapped at the slightest comments my husband said to me.
I became sarcastic in answering his questions.

The truth is, I am still in denials.

Like how they said, belum ada rezeki lagi.

Maybe I can just put in some hope and du’as that maybe in a week or two, if God permits, the result will come as positive.


14 days.

With a blink of an eye, it’s another 14 days to go before the big day.

Invitations are out.

Door gifts are almost ready.

Guestbook will be posted to Sitiawan hopefully by next week.

Decorations for the guestbook table are ready. There will be three picture frames and our initials in blocks.

Hantaran items have been exchanged but I have yet to get them decorated.

Furniture for the bride’s room have been rearranged but I have yet to tidy the room up.

Baju nikah will be ready tomorrow and I hope that I can squeeze in some time to get the beadings done.

Baju bersanding will only be ready in the next two weeks (gasps!). There will be no fitting session, but hopefully everything will turn out fine despite the no fitting session.

Nervous? I have yet to feel nervous. Because there are still some unfinished school work.