And how I wish that hidden at the bottom are children that we can call ours, holding our hands.

I am already 16 days late.
I am hoping that I am pregnant but
I know I am not. Simply because I don’t have any common signs except for being lightheaded and dizzy ocassionally.

I purposedly delayed doing the pregnancy test because I know that I’ll be disappointed with the results.
After the 7th day, I did the test.
It was negative, something that I have expected.
Day after day and my period still hasn’t come.
I started to hope that there is a bun in the oven.
In fact, I was secretly hoping.
I wanted the results to be positive that I tested myself twice in the morning.
And yet it wasn’t surprising that both results came out negative.
I was disappointed. I was down.
I wanted the results to be positive but I just knew that it’s going to be negative.
I took my time to accept the results that even when my husband asked about it, I refused to tell him. I was in denial.
It felt like it’s something that he wanted to an extend that I felt like I’ve disappoint him if it turned out positive.

I am now feeling the pressure.
I cannot hide the fact that I want to be a mother and having children that I can call mine.
I know he wants children too but currently it seems too soon to have one.

I was bad at hiding my feelings.
I became grumpy.
I became emotional that I snapped at the slightest comments my husband said to me.
I became sarcastic in answering his questions.

The truth is, I am still in denials.

Like how they said, belum ada rezeki lagi.

Maybe I can just put in some hope and du’as that maybe in a week or two, if God permits, the result will come as positive.

Amin.