And how I wish that hidden at the bottom are children that we can call ours, holding our hands.

I am already 16 days late.
I am hoping that I am pregnant but
I know I am not. Simply because I don’t have any common signs except for being lightheaded and dizzy ocassionally.

I purposedly delayed doing the pregnancy test because I know that I’ll be disappointed with the results.
After the 7th day, I did the test.
It was negative, something that I have expected.
Day after day and my period still hasn’t come.
I started to hope that there is a bun in the oven.
In fact, I was secretly hoping.
I wanted the results to be positive that I tested myself twice in the morning.
And yet it wasn’t surprising that both results came out negative.
I was disappointed. I was down.
I wanted the results to be positive but I just knew that it’s going to be negative.
I took my time to accept the results that even when my husband asked about it, I refused to tell him. I was in denial.
It felt like it’s something that he wanted to an extend that I felt like I’ve disappoint him if it turned out positive.

I am now feeling the pressure.
I cannot hide the fact that I want to be a mother and having children that I can call mine.
I know he wants children too but currently it seems too soon to have one.

I was bad at hiding my feelings.
I became grumpy.
I became emotional that I snapped at the slightest comments my husband said to me.
I became sarcastic in answering his questions.

The truth is, I am still in denials.

Like how they said, belum ada rezeki lagi.

Maybe I can just put in some hope and du’as that maybe in a week or two, if God permits, the result will come as positive.

Amin.

In moments of difficulties and sorrow.

للّهُمَّ إِنِّي عَبْدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِكَ أَوِ اسْتَأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْبِ عِنْدَكَ أَنْ تَجْعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيعَ قَلْبِي، وَنورَ صَدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّي

O Allah, I am Your slave and the son of Your male slave and the son of your female slave . My forehead is in Your Hand (i.e. you have control over me) . Your Judgment upon me is assured and Your Decree concerning me is just . I ask You by every Name that You have named Yourself with , revealed in Your Book , taught any one of Your creation or kept unto Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen that is with You , to make the Qur’an the spring of my heart, and the light of my chest, the banisher of my sadness and the reliever of my distress

اللّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعْوذُ بِكَ مِنَ الهَمِّ وَ الْحُزْنِ، والعًجْزِ والكَسَلِ والبُخْلِ والجُبْنِ، وضَلْعِ الدَّيْنِ وغَلَبَةِ الرِّجال

O Allah , I seek refuge in you from grief and sadness, from weakness and from laziness, from miserliness and from cowardice, from being overcome by debt and overpowered by men (i .e . others)

Sekarang, hati tengah down macam solar hybrid kat sekolah ni. Ada mentari terik, tapi tetap mati, tak generate cas untuk berfungsi.

Hati bukan down macam solar hybrid je, tapi down macam wireless internet connection Schoolnet ni jugak. Ada sikit-sikit je bytes yang transfered and received. Sama macam rasa dalam hati. Ada sikit-sikit je rasa yang tinggal.

Huks.

I know for a fact that it over my own carelessness that now my iPhone is missing.

I know for a fact that there are reasons why the iPhone is now missing.

I know for a fact that Allah has something else reserved for me.

I also know for a fact to look at this matter positively.

I know for a fact that there is a silver lining behind every cloud.

I am not mourning over the lost iPhone. I did not cry bucket of tears when I noticed that the phone was not in the car. Yes, I did shed a few tears. And it was because I was talking to the people I love most, when I was telling them how the phone went missing and the words that they provide to give me comfort.

But, no matter how positive I look at things, it is impossible not to feel regret or ‘terkilan’ over the lost of something valuable.

It is impossible not to feel regret or ‘terkilan’ over something that you earned using your hardship money.

It is impossible not to feel regret or ‘terkilan’ over something that contains some memories of yours with your loved ones and the memories are now gone with the phone.

When I wrote some statuses on my Facebook, I received variety of comments. Some eased me a lot while some made me feel rather ‘angry’ or ‘terkilan’.

Asking me to ‘cool’, to ‘relax’, that does not help. Telling me ‘losing an iPhone is better than losing your car’ does not help either.

Are you telling me that it’s ok to regret or feel sad over losing your car but it is not ok to feel sad or regret over a missing iPhone?

Come on la.

The above status was status number three that I wrote about the missing iPhone. First, you tell me to reflect on things that I may have overlooked and overdone, and then you suggest  to do one thing that is not even funny in this situation.

Not being helpful. At all.

FYI, I am not THAT desperate.

I know I wrote three statuses about the missing iPhone. But if you are in my shoe, you can’t help it either, can you?

You can’t help to think about your missing precious item that it appeared in your dreams two nights in a row. You can’t stop yourself from searching the car over and over again hoping to find the missing iPhone. It brings no harm to me, and certainly will bring no harm to you.

I know that this entry will eventually appear on my Facebook. If you feel offended just by reading this, don’t bother. This is just how I felt after reading your comments and at the moment of writing this.

Goodbye for now.