[1] In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

[2] Praise be to Allah, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the worlds;

[3] Most Gracious, Most Merciful;

[4] Master of the Day of Judgment.

[5] Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek,

[6] Show us the straight way,

[7] The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace, those whose (portion) is not wrath, and who go not astray.

Dear Ayah,

Things are definitely different without you being here with us. Last Saturday was exactly a year. I wanted to write about you, but I can’t bring myself to do so.

You know, Ayah, there are so many things that I wanted to tell you. Two weeks ago, I’ve sat for my exams and there will be no more exams after this. I cried as I handed in the last paper. I cried because you were not there to witness, or to be told that I have finished the exams. I am used to calling you after exams saying that I’m done with them. Hence, not being able to do so bring tears to my eyes. I will start my practicum somewhere at the end of next month. I have been placed at a school in TTDI. It seems far, but I’ll think we’ll manage. I’ve reminded myself to perform during practicum. I must at least impress my students or the school. And then impress you, and make you proud of me.

As for today, I have just finished a cricket course and will receive a coaching certificate. Which means, I am qualified to coach students. Matches were played under the hot sun to put into practise what we have learned and my team won, Ayah. I finally hit some bowls during the finals and scored some points for my team. The other team was trying to be psychotic with me, not the whole team, but some particular people. But that didn’t put my spirit down. I was even more determined to play. I bowled harder, I gave them a fast ball. I hit their wicket. One batsman down. I gave them another good bowl. It hit their bat, and off they go. Out of the game even before their over is up. Guess what, in all three matches that I played, I hit the opponent’s wicket. Put them down straight away. My arms and shoulders hurt, but it was all worth it.

I’ve chosen my posting area. If luck is on my side, I’ll get a school in the area I’ve requested. I was confused and lost when I need to decide the area. I cried a few times, for I believed that nobody understand the reasons why I choose that area. Assumptions were made, Ayah. And I was sad, disappointed. I have my own reasons. I’ve clearly stated them. But in the end, they said that I have another reason for choosing those areas. A reason which has never crossed my mind. And that hurts even more. If you were still here, you would have given me the strength and support, and you would approve my decisions. I would have you to defend the things I did. But I understand that it is not the same anymore. It won’t be the same.

Ayah, I miss you a lot. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep. The other day, I dreamt about you. I was talking to you, I was telling you about what’s been happening in my life. You were smiling as you listened. Then, you lost it. You died. I woke up in a shock. I told myself that you are still alive and nothing bad is going to happen to you. In fact, you will live longer as people said that if you dream of someone dying then that person will eventually have a longer live. I told myself that. Then it hit me. The fact that you have gone for a year hit me. I was down, but being able to see your face in my dreams put a smile on my face. You have actually came into my dreams. Something that I longed for ever since you went away.

Today is 23rd May, your 55th birthday. Happy birthday, Ayah. Thank you for the 22 years you have spent with me, guiding me through life. I love you from the bottom of my heart. And I want you to know that you have never left the place in my heart, for there where you will always be.

Al – Fatihah.

YUSSUFF BIN MANAS

23rd May 1953 – 17th May 2007