JUST FRIENDS ?

By Susan Nikaido

If my sources are correct, the following scenario is played out frequently among the world of singles. It happens on both sides of the gender line, but allow me to talk about it from my own female perspective. A man meets a woman and begins to show interest in her. He asks her to spend time with him on a regular basis: hiking, biking, watching video. He calls her at least once a week just to talk. He begins telling her about the deeper things in his heart and invites her to share at this level as well. He sends her mushy “friendship” cards and

tells her that she means a great deal to him. He may become a little affectionate:
the hugs begin to linger.

The relationship has been defined as friendship, if it has been defined at all. But after all this special attention,the woman is definitely feeling more. So she asks the guy what’s going on. To her surprise, he does a quick about-face. He insists they are just friends. After that, he avoids her, leaving her hurt and bewildered. She feels rejected – she has lost not only a romantic interest (she thought) but worse, a close and trusted friend. And she feels stupid.

Did she really misread all those signals?

After I experienced this as a single woman, I asked a friend my friend “Joel” to help me understand why guys do this.

After I told him my woeful tale, he said, “I did that to somebody once.”

“What? Why would you ever do such a thing?” I asked.

“We were getting too close, and it scared me,” he said.

This helped me understand why the “just friends” syndrome is so widespread. A guy wants to get to know a girl, but without the pressure of dating. So he spends a lot of time with her, treating her in many ways like a girlfriend but defining the relationship as friends. This way, if it begins to look like there’s no future in the relationship, or he’s not ready to “get serious,” he can back away with no messy break up.

It sounds like a nice arrangement – for the guy. But that approach can be a problem for the woman. If a man tells a woman he just wants to “be friends” but he treats her as if it’s more than friendship, she will believe his behaviour instead of his words. It sets her up for a big disappointment. Or if he invokes the “just friends” mantra after being asked about the nature of the relationship, but then promptly begins to distance himself from the friendship, again, his actions do not match his words.

He may think he’s sparing her feelings by avoiding a break up. But by defining the relationship as a friendship, he hurts her even more deeply when he disappears. A dating relationship comes with certain risks. But she expects a friendship – especially such a close one – to continue. Think about it this way:

A broken dating relationship says only, “I don’t want to marry you”;

a broken friendship says to her, “I don’t want/value you on any level.”

Taking a woman down this path violates two principles.
First, it’s dishonest.

Someone once said that it was the way of the World -not of a godly man – to say “yes, yes” and “no, no” in the same breath.

A man of integrity will call a relationship what it is.

Second, it is not kind or loving.

The “just friends” approach may be safer for the guy, but it is harmful to the woman. In effect, he is asking her for the rewards of a dating relationship

– companionship, emotional intimacy, even affection –

without the responsibility. He is playing with her heart, and her heart will probably get broken. But what if a guy does only want to be friends – or wants to develop a friendship before he decides to date? It’s pretty simpleHe just treats the woman like all his other friends. He doesn’t spend more time with her or call her more often than he does his other friends. He usually invites other people along when he get together with her. He doesn’t pick up the tab when just the two of them go out. He avoids compliments that might communicate she is “special” to him.

He lets her know he spends time with other women.

He’s extremely careful about showing any physical affection – even playful shoves or hugs. If, after getting to know her from a safe emotional distance, he wants a deeper relationship, he tells her that he wants to date her. What if you are not thinking about is more than friendship, but she asks about your intentions? Tell her you appreciate her friendship, but be honest about where you are. Above all, though it may be awkward for a while, continue to be her friend.

Years ago, I began to be attracted to a male friend. Though I hadn’t really been getting any signals that he wasinterested in me, I knew it would help settle my emotions to hear it from him. I asked. He affirmed me as a person but told me gently – but clearly – that he thought of me only as a friend and then he did a wonderful thing. He kept being my friend. Though it hurt a little to learn I wasn’t attractive to him in that way, it helped to know he still valued me and wanted me around. This was nearly 15 years ago, and though we have both moved to different states and married, we are friends to this day.

Women can be great friends.

But guys, unless you are ready for a dating relationship, please be careful to treat us

“as sisters, with absolute purity”,
not as girlfriends, nor as something in between.